Checkmate

A grandmaster, who had been slated,
To play, dozed off inebriated.
Though much did they shake him,
Yet no one could wake him,
So they had to declare him -- checkmated.

Reuters 04/09/09: A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday. Get the details here

In matters of religion, sometimes the path leads to the bath

"Religion", said Santa, forlorn,
"These days is of Godliness shorn.
So priests spend their hours,
Filming ladies in showers,
And, believe it or not, watching porn!"


TOI 16/08/09: Sikh priest films woman taking bath. Get the story here

Look ma, there's a minister in the tiger's cage!

Did you hear of the minister who
Went and entered a cage in the zoo?
It seems he was cheered
On by those who appeared
To have mistaken him for a gnu!

--------------000------------------

Did you hear of the minister who
Went and entered a cage in the zoo?
Well he wanted to pat
What he thought was a cat
And now all that remains, is his shoe!


Inspired by this news item in the TOI, 17th August, 2009: Minister enters tiger cage in zoo. Read the story here


!

If the wig makes you pretty, wear it

The judge said, "Sir, I am appalled.
Your dastardly act was uncalled
For. Now you may not dig
Your law-maker's wig,
But you'd no right to expose his bald!"

Reuters 9th June, 2009: A man who tore the wig off a telegenic Taiwan legislator last year was sentenced to five months in jail for depriving the MP of his freedom to look good. Get the story here

Inkspot's been just been a wee bit busy and hence this lull in posting. But we're back now.

Of virgin poultry

"The fowl's pure and juicy to taste."
The waiter said, bowing to the waist.
"What makes you so sure
That the bird served is pure?"
"It's a virgin, undoubtedly chaste!"

Yahoo News 10.05.09: A restaurant in China is doing brisk business after it claimed that it serves only virgin chickens. Get the story here


And in other news, Newsmericks is glad to announce that today we complete 1000 posts on this blog. A big THANK YOU to all our readers and also to our intrepid reporter Inkspot.

Silence please!

Said the judge to the woman, "Old maid,
It's good to know you're getting laid.
But screaming in passion,
Is now out of fashion--
So it's jail for you dear, am afraid!"

BBC News 27.4.09:A woman has been remanded in custody accused of breaching an Asbo banning her from being noisy during sex. Get the story here

Gassing at your own risk!

There are those that will stab you (I swear)
For leaving a stink in the air.
So if you wanna gas,
My advice, move your ass,
To a place where there's nobody there!

Yahoo News/ AP: 08/04/09: Texas - A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend, police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night, and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest, Anderson said. Get the story here

:D

Baptized with Cola

Where there is a will, there is way,
So when water froze on a cold day,
The priest said, "I think,
A lemony drink
Can help save the baptism day!"

Reuters 31/03/09: A Norwegian church used lemon-flavoured cola instead of water in a baptism ceremony after its taps were temporarily turned off because of freezing temperatures, daily Vaart Land said on Tuesday. Priest Paal Dale from the town of Stord, about 150 miles west of the capital Oslo, improvised during a recent cold-spell by dabbing the lemon fizzy water on a baby during a baptism ceremony, it said. Get the story here

They also serve, who only ...wear apron & tie!

Yahoo News: 18/03/09: Hiring firm looking for butt naked waiters. Now surely, this calls for a Newsmerick:

In these times of recession, dear Sire,
If you have a butt, others admire,
Wear that apron and tie
(Go ahead, don't be shy)
Be a butt naked waiter on hire!

:D

When in the park, keep pants on

A man was reporting a theft
To the cop, he seemed truly bereft.
"My pants have been stolen,"
He wept, his eyes swollen,
"From the park, someone took it and left!"

"My mistress and I, Sir, I swear
Had gone to the park for fresh air
And I thought it'd be best,
To be somewhat undressed,
So I lay down in my underwear!"

"But as I lay there with my chick,
My pants did a vanishing trick.
Sir, please heed my cries,
Find my pants, otherwise,
My wife will hang me by my dick!"

Yahoo news: Cheating hubby loses pant during park romp!

Holy Cow! What next? Cow chips as snack?

Said Pepsi to Coke, with a hiss,
"These Indians say something's amiss
With our cola formulation;
So this cow-loving nation,
Will now bottle and drink bovine piss!"

Indian Express: The RSS (Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh), a Hindu nationalist organization in India, has found something to give the popular colas and cold drinks a run for their money: bovine urine. The Sangh's Cow Protection Department is planning to produce a soft drink with this magic ingredient as base, and believes it will sweep the market. Get the detailed story here

The bait for a mate

A spinster real eager to wed
Was depressed and losing her head.
So a crook thought, "What luck!
Let me make a quick buck,
By having this maiden misled."

"How to get you a groom sis, I know.
All you have to do - kill a rhino.
At 3 lakhs, a steal,
For a sure marriage deal."
- Imagine, had it been a dino?

Dear ladies, the search for a mate,
May well make you stop thinking straight.
But if you're so dumb,
To such ploys to succumb,
Then, sure as hell, you're tempting fate!

TOI 12/2/09: MUMBAI: The Shivaji Park police are looking for a 36-year old tantrik who took nearly Rs 3 lakh from a 30-year-old woman and fooled her into believing that sacrificing a rhino would help her find a match. The accused, Farid Shah, even promised the victim to find one in UP. Get the story here

Link, courtesy: Ramesh Srivats

It pays to be drunk on the job

When his frustrated boss thundered, "Bob,
You're a lazy, inebriate slob!"
Bob slurred, "You may scoff,
But you can't lay me off --
I've a right to be drunk on the job!"

Yahoo News 14/01/09: Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent. Get the story here

No bear hug this

"That panda was damn impolite,"
The man complained, "look at my plight,
All I wanted, I swear,
Was to cuddle the bear,
But the bugger decided to bite!"

Reuters 22/11/08: Panda attacks Chinese man who wanted a cuddle. Get the story here

Much married

The honored judge let out a roar;
"86 wives at age eighty-four?
It takes a single belle,
To make man’s life hell -
At the most, I will let you keep 4!"


But now, the 86 wives are protesting. Get the story here

A Cover-Up

"Whenever he speaks to the Press,"
Lamented his aides, in distress,
"That darned exposed knocker,
Looms large, what a shocker!"
So they covered the teat with a dress!

MSNBC/Reuters 4/8/08: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi takes fire for nipple cover-up. PM's office paints over oft-seen breast in painting; critic says move 'crazy'. Get the story here

Painted into a corner

In Jakarta, when trav'ling by rail,
Buy your tickets, you must, without fail,
And don't be a goof -
Don't sit on the roof,
Or they'll paint you, set cops on your trail!


Yahoo News 11/02/08: Indonesian commuters riding on the roofs of trains will be sprayed with colored liquid so that security officers can identify and arrest them, a report said Saturday. Get the story here

Holy Moly!

The church warden looked quite forlorn;
"The chap was praying, I could have sworn!
Then on closer inspection,
Came to sight, his erection -
Guess the damned blighter was surfing porn!"


Yahoo News 01/02/08: Man views porn on nun's computer! Get the story here

An eggy tale

Said the man, to the cop, "It ain't fair,
I had gone to the witch with a prayer
That she cure the strife
Twixt me and my wife -
But instead, she egged my underwear!"


Reuters 16/11/07: Cypriot seeks to unravel curse with pants and egg. Get the story here

Let mating dogs lie

There once lived a man in Chennai,
Who killed mating dogs, hung them high.
They then sent him a 'curse'
Which he sought to reverse
By marrying a bitch - what a guy!


AFP 14/11/07: An Indian farmer has married his dog in a bid to overcome what he believes is a curse caused by him having stoned to death two mating dogs in his rice field, press reports said. Get the story here